Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Kidlets

I need to say something about my kids. I rarely talk about them on this blog. You might get the impression that it’s all about me, me, me, and I don’t really care about them. Nothing could be further from the truth. They are my life. I love them beyond words. They absolutely delight me. They are so wonderful and precious. I worry that if I was always gushing about how much I love them and how much I just want to gobble them up, people might think there is something wrong with me! I feel that I fail daily as a mother, but I love it anyway.

All I ever wanted to do was be a mother. I don't think I had career aspirations. Yeah, I had some ideas of what I wanted to study in college, but I never thought beyond that, or if I did, it was only with kids in mind, or it was a backup plan. I found in my old journal a schedule of how I wanted my life to go. I was going to major in pre-veterinary medicine, go to veterinary school and then have my first baby. I don’t think I planned on working after vet school. Once I got to college, I quickly realized that going to veterinary school wasn’t going to be an option. I knew without a doubt that given the right opportunities (i.e., finding a man and being able to have children), I was not going to last 8 years without having children, and I knew that going to veterinary school with young children wouldn’t work out very well.

Even now, I still think of myself as a stay at home mother with a really annoying problem of having to go to work every day. I say all this only to explain that my lack of writing about my kids has nothing to do with how I feel about them.

So why don’t I write about them? I think there are two primary reasons. First of all, I want to reduce their exposure on the internet. I might share too much about myself on the internet, but at least it’s my own choice. I want my kids to be in charge of what they share (once they’re old enough) and not have to deal with their mom sharing every little thing about them. I’m not really afraid of the internet, but I’d rather share too little than share too much about them. Also, my oldest is 7 and he is already very embarrassed when I share certain stories (that aren't even truly embarrassing stories) about him with grandparents or friends. I remember my mom doing that to me, and I HATED IT. SO MUCH. I can’t even imagine how embarrassed I’d have been to know the whole internet was seeing my stories.

I haven’t shown many pictures of my kids on this blog, but here’s a cute one:

The second reason I don’t write about them is that this is my space to vent or talk about adult topics with other adults. This space is all about me, me, me. My kids get my time when I’m at home. I rarely leave them to go out for fun. The last time I did was for the Brad Paisley concert in September. The time before that was. . . . I have no idea. I looked through my 2009 calendar back to January and didn't see anything that I left them for. I went to a book club in July, I think. Does that count? I leave them to go to occasional church meetings and other necessary appointments, and that’s about it. It might be healthier for me to do more for myself (I’ve wanted to take a clogging class), but my kids are so young that I think they need me more. They are already grievously robbed of the time with me that they rightfully deserve and they so desperately want. So this is the way that I ‘get out’. If I didn’t write and interact with other adults online, I think that I’d only be conversant in baby talk. It’s getting better as my kids get older, but seriously, in the past I’ve had to stop myself from saying something in toddler language at work. Blogging and other forms of online interaction help keep me sane. Maybe if I spent less time online I’d have more time for real life friends that could serve the same purpose, but probably not. I can jump online after my kids go to bed; I can’t go out with friends and talk. If friends come to me, or the whole family goes together, that is great, but otherwise, it’s not happening.

So, the moral of the story is – I love my kids beyond words and don’t ever think differently because I don’t write about them. No one has ever accused me of this, and I don't think you don't love your kids because you don't write about them, but you never know what people are really thinking.


Chandelle said...

I never thought you didn't love them! I think this is your space to talk about adult things, like you said. I don't talk about my kids very much, for the simple reason that I know most people are not as enthralled with our children as we are ourselves. I love my kids, and even though it was never really a part of my life plan to have kids so young (or maybe at all), I've never regretted it. Everything that I've really grown to care about in my life, including my career goals, are because of my kids, and they make it all worthwhile.

Katie said...

I knew that you would know exactly how I feel. Other people being not as enthralled as I am is a good point too :-D I always make our receptionist at work listen to my kid stories, but only 2-3 per week, ha ha!